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underwater

Tracey Danielle
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Missing you

2 min read

How many times has she cried, the day you left she never would have guessed that it would be the last time. The memories now are all that remain. The would haves, should haves, the "one more chances" , if she had known what she knows now would she continue this path or try and change it somehow?

 

Your Daughter is a constant reminder of all the things that should have been, of all the milestones that you'll miss. We know your watching down from your spot up above, is she making you proud? Is she doing enough? You weren't perfect but neither is she, this last year has been difficult as I'm sure you've seen.. what she wouldn't give for you to wipe these tears from her eyes. She's missing you Josh, give her a sign.

 

You were her first love, she was your last, memories from the last several years remind her of the past, You taught her so much about how to be strong, but she didn't think she'd have to be strong on her own. She didn’t know that she'd have to play both roles, of mommy and daddy, the plan wasn't to do this alone.  She's had her share of good days, where she thinks she getting on fine, but no one knows the struggle, the battle that she fights with her mind.

 

The memories they come in flash backs, they come in waves, sometimes it seems like she's going to be ok. Other days she's barely hanging on, without Aubrey she isn't sure she knows why she goes on. Looking at that little face reminds her of you, of all the hopes and the dreams that you had for you two. She knows she has to fight, she knows that you loved them so, but still it hurts her heart daily that she had to let you go.

 

 

Hold her close, Josh,  whisper in her ear… Don't worry my love, I'm always right here. 

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today has been an interesting day to say the least. Feeling like i have way to much going on in my head and i don't know where else to drop it off at. how did i get here, right back where i didn't want to be. except for in a far worse situation, its really something to know that its my fault. that i drive people to drink, that i'm a prude and i take things far too seriously. I don't know how to process this. I've been hurt before several times before but somehow this is different, I'm not really sure how... but it just feels different. Its kinda hard to take that i'm to blame, shit maybe Nate is right. I don't know. All i know is i wish things were back to before they are now. I wanna go Home, and that won't ever happen again. 
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Safe place

1 min read
its been a while since i updated this thing...and since i know that hardly anyone reads it anymore i can write whatever i want. isn't that great. Well as it stands, i am currently going through a divorce and expecting my third child. Life is interesting to say the very least, not a whole lot goes as planned. Since June of this past year its been one unexpected thing after another. Sometimes i wish i could turn back time and make different choices. But since thats not gonna happen, i have to live with the decisions i made. Today hasn't been the best day, i think that i am making progress and then i find out that i'm not. and now that i have throughly depressed myself. i'm gonna log off of here. 
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I just went through ALL of my past journal entries and man i was one weird teenager! for sure! lol... anyway. well now that i actually have a little time to update this thing, i may just do that. I am currently in a very complicated relationship to put it at best. The only good thing to come out of it was my daughter. She is my joy! she makes me laugh and smile a thousand times a day at least... i'll add to this a little later mommy duty calls.
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happily married

1 min read
thats all i really have to say about that... workin on the next part of my life..
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Missing you by underwater, journal

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